April 26, 2020

Gliebers Dresses: The Quarantine Episode

Believe it or not, this 2013 mini-play of Gliebers Dresses appearing on Shark Tank continues to get daily page views. Years ago, an assistant producer of the show emailed me to tell me he enjoyed reading the mini-play.

So while we're trying to stay sane, have yourself a giggle ... click here.

And if you'd like, here's a quarantine episode of Gliebers Dresses.

Setting: A Gliebers Dresses Executive Video Conference Meeting from Last Week

Glenn Glieber (Owner, CEO):  Ok, who's all on here?

Pepper Morgan Pressley (Chief Marketing Officer):  I'm here.

Roger Morgan (Chief Operations Officer):  I can only do this for about a half-hour. I'm hopping on CNBC at the top of the hour to talk about the future of retail.

Glenn Glieber:  Wait, what?

Roger Morgan:  I do interviews all day long. People crave thought leadership and content in these challenging times.

We here a sound ... BEEEE DOOOO BOOOOOP. Meredith Thompson, the Chief Merchandising Officer appears.

Glenn Glieber:  Meredith, is that you?

Meredith Thompson (head turned 90 degrees to the left):  Ed, for God's sake, there's a ton of meatloaf in the refrigerator.

Ed:  I'm in the refrigerator. I don't see it.

Meredith Thompson:  It's on the third shelf, in Tupperware.

Roger Morgan:  Here we go.

Ed:  The blue Tupperware or the green Tupperware?

Meredith Thompson:  Red Tupperware.

Ed:  There's no red Tupperware in here.

Meredith Thompson:  Move the purple Tupperware.

Ed:  Don't you mean Lavender?

Roger Morgan:  Meredith, can you mute the sound on your end?

Meredith Thompson:  Just hold on a minute everybody. 

Meredith gets up and walks off the screen. We can hear her arguing in the background.

Meredith Thompson:  I'm trying to do my job and you can't even figure out how to feed yourself.

Ed:  Oh shove it.

Meredith Thompson:  You shove it.

Ed:  They can hear you. Even that guy with the reports that you hate. He can hear you.

Meredith Thompson:  The meatloaf is right there, right in front of your face. Go get a paper plate and plastic fork and eat.

Ed:  Won't a plastic fork break?


Ed:  Just saying ...

Meredith reappears on the screen, cheeks a rosy color of read, breathing like she just ran a 5K race.

Meredith Thompson:  Where were we?

We hear a sound ... BEEEE DOOOO BOOOOOP ... Lois Gladstone, the Chief Financial Officer has joined the call.

Lois Gladstone:  Well, I've got good news. The State of New Hampshire declared that we're an essential business because we sell face masks. If we want, we can all gather in the office beginning next week.

Roger Morgan:  What in the name of all that is good in the world is on your shoulder, Lois?

Lois Gladstone:  That's my parrot, Gunther.

Roger Morgan:  Here we go.

Glenn Glieber:  Hi Gunther!

Gunther (the Parrot, yelling):  GOIN' BANKRUPT!

Glenn Glieber:  Wait, what?

Lois Gladstone:  Ignore that.

Pepper Morgan-Pressley:  Can we please get the meeting started? Who has the agenda?

Lois Gladstone:  We've got to end these stupid video conference meetings. Everything is so disorganized. We've got to reopen the economy.  More people in New Hampshire have died from Meredith's cooking than have died from the pandemic.

Meredith Thompson:  Ed, why are you opening the dishwasher? Everything in there is dirty.

Ed:  I broke my fork and am looking for a real one.

Meredith Thompson:  Look in the drawer.

Ed:  The what?

Meredith Thompson:  The drawer.

Gunther (the Parrot):  DRAWER.

Pepper Morgan-Pressley:  Lois, you can't possibly expect us to reopen the economy, You are putting people's lives at risk.

Lois Gladstone:  This whole thing is a complete overreaction. It's the flu!

Gunther (the Parrot):  DA FLU.

Lois Gladstone:  We're running -24%. We've got inventory piling up. It's not like we're all that profitable anyway, but this is gonna destroy us.

Pepper Morgan-Pressley:  If we don't survive the virus we don't have a business to come back to.

Lois Gladstone:  If we survive the virus and don't have a business to come back to, we're doomed.

Roger Morgan:  I'll be fine. 

Glenn Glieber:  Let's get back to the agenda.

Lois Gladstone:  Does anybody even know anybody who got sick? I mean, all of that inventory is just sitting there rotting and I don't even know anybody who is sick. Not one person.

Pepper Morgan-Pressley:  Have you looked at New York City?

Meredith Thompson:  We're not going to have this argument right now. There are far more important things to argue about.

Ed:  Did you eat all of the vanilla ice cream?

Meredith Thompson:  Did I what?

Ed:  Ice cream!! I want a piece of pie.and I want some ice cream. It's not like I can go to the store and get some. Everything is sold out.

Meredith Thompson:  Can you just shut you pie hole for five minutes while I finish this pointless video conference?

Roger Morgan:  Yeah, I've got another five minutes before I hop on CNBC for the Fast Money Halftime Report.

Lois Gladstone:  Let's hop on Slack after the meeting and debate the merits of reopening the economy.

Meredith Thompson:  Back to the agenda, we were going to talk about the Video from the President, Glenn's address to our customers ... and the Nation. We think this is really important.

Pepper Morgan-Pressley:  I prepared a script for Glenn to read.

Lois Gladstone:  Make sure he's sitting in front of a flag of the United States and New Hampshire. It's important to convey that Glenn is a Patriot.

Pepper Morgan-Pressley:  He'll be in front of a green screen. We can put anything we want behind him.

Meredith Thompson:  Let's make sure we touch on all of the key points. We have to say "in these uncertain times". That's what all brands are saying in their advertising. 

Lois Gladstone:  And we want Glenn to give our customers financial relief by offering a special 70% off discount/promo on liquidation items.

Gunther (the Parrot):  PROMO.

Roger Morgan:  How about delayed payments for 30 days, or even 60 days?

Lois Gladstone:  We need all the cash we can get, Roger. No.

Roger Morgan:  Is that why we aren't paying vendors?

Lois Gladstone:  We need all the cash we can get. Besides, nobody cares if a merge/purge vendor doesn't get paid for a few months.

Meredith Thompson:  Glenn, can you say something about providing "peace of mind"? I mean, we offer value and selection at great prices. That should make customers feel more comfortable.

Roger Morgan:  Do our customers still have jobs?

Meredith Thompson:  Look, if we execute this Video from the President well, it will act a lot like free marketing.

Glenn Glieber:  I love free marketing!

Snoring can be heard in the background.

Pepper Morgan-Pressley:  Did Ed ever get his ice cream?

Meredith Thompson:  He's sleeping, leave him alone.

Roger Morgan:  Pepper, make sure Glenn says something about "we're all in this together", because I think that really strikes a chord with the consumer. Woodside Research thinks it is very important to promote fellowship in times like these. And can we get some piano music playing in the background? Slow, sad stuff at first, followed by an upbeat anthem at the end. Listen to Jim Brickman on Spotify for ideas.

Lois Gladstone: Families who can't afford food aren't in this together with us. Did you see the food line in Nashau yesterday? 1,600 families lined up for eight hours. We need to reopen the economy.

Pepper Morgan-Pressley:  Should we mention in the video that Glenn is funding all salaries out of his pocket during the shut-down?

Meredith Thompson:  Absolutely. And let's say something about how we'll all get through this together. Maybe at a hashtag at the end, you know, #newhampshirestrong

Gunther (the Parrot):  HASHTAG!

We hear a sound ... BEEEE DOOOO BOOOOOP.  

Pepper Morgan-Pressley:  Where did Roger go?.

Lois Gladstone:  He's gotta be headed over to CNBC again. Somebody put up a screen with him on TV, ok?

Pepper Morgan-Pressley:  Give me a minute.

Meredith Thompson:  I guess an interview with CNBC was more important to Roger than discussing a Message from the President.

Lois Gladstone:  It's exhausting.

Meredith Thompson:  Maybe Glenn should give a daily address to the Nation? That could be helpful. We could all stand behind Glenn and field questions from viewers in real time.

Pepper Morgan-Pressley:  Alright, here we go.

Everybody sees Roger appear on their screen.

CNBC Host:  We're live with Roger Morgan, the Chief Operating Officer at Gliebers Dresses. Roger, how are you holding up?

Roger Morgan:  I'm holding up well, thanks for asking. In New Hampshire, we're all #newhampshirestrong.

Lois Gladstone:  Dear God.

CNBC Host:  Roger, how is Gliebers Dresses handling the crisis?

Roger Morgan:  In these unprecedented and trying times, brands play a vital role in the social fabric of our nation. I am happy to report that we are paying all of our employees through the duration of this crisis.

Pepper Morgan-Pressley:  We?

CNBC Host:  That's fantastic!

Roger Morgan:  We're all in this together. And as a way of showing our gratitude toward our customers, we are delighted to announce that we are offering 70% off until we reopen the economy in New Hampshire. It's just our little way of showing how much we care.

CNBC Host:  Roger, as always, it's been a pleasure.

Roger Morgan:  I'm just doing my part. It's the health care workers, the grocery store employees, and the UPS drivers who are the real heroes as they battle this war against an invisible opponent on the front-lines of society. I just wanted to let everybody know, we got this, we're gonna beat this thing. Do your part. Stay at home. Be safe.

Pepper Morgan-Pressley:  That certainly eliminated the need for a Video from the President, didn't it?

Meredith Thompson:  I don't think he missed a buzzword.

Lois Gladstone:  And he didn't say a single word about Woodside Research.

Gunther (the Parrot):  RESEARCH!!

Pepper Morgan-Pressley:  I think we're done here.

Glenn Glieber:  Another great meeting.

Meredith Thompson:  I need to wake up Ed.




Gunther (the Parrot):  BEEEE DOOOO BOOOOOP.


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