Washington, DC: In an unprecedented move, The Federal Reserve Board announced this evening that it will, for the first time ever, bail out a highly profitable sole proprietorship.
Seattle based MineThatData, a consultancy that helps CEOs understand the complex relationship between customers, advertising, product, brands and channels, will be the recipient of nearly $300,000,000 of free money, courtesy of an unprecedented taxpayer bailout.
"It's only one dollar per person living in the United States" groaned a noticeably exhausted Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson. "We just finished taking ownership of AIG, and now we're faced with having to bail out a highly profitable sole proprietorship. Where does this end?"
The announcement was met with an enthusiastic roar of approval at the Shop.org Annual Summit in Las Vegas. Attendee Maya Pemberton, Sr. Pay-Per-Click Analyst at Dell, told anybody who would listen that the announcement provides much-needed stability in the emerging field of Multichannel Forensics.
"We just realized that our online customers were in hybrid/transfer mode, rapidly migrating to our retail offering at Wal-Mart. We couldn't possibly take our strategy to the next level without assistance from the Feds." mentioned Pemberton, who then ran her badge under the bar code scanner at a social media vendor in the exhibition hall, earning her a free ballpoint pen and a chance to win an iPod shuffle.
Wall St. did not react positively to the announcement, with the Dow Jones Industrial Index plummeting 1.4% in after hours trading. We were unable to solicit a comment from management at MineThatData.
Note: Various, if not all elements of this story, have been fabricated. No taxpayers were harmed in the writing of this story.
On Twitter, there's a lot of experts who "know" how to fix retail. Experiences!! Omnichannel! Digital Transformation. All...
Look at the first four rows of our life table (values of 0/1/2/3). These are the first 12-15 weeks after a customer buys for the firs...
So Amazon created a major shopping event out of nothing, and now they're killing it in July (a month when nobody can sell anything ot...
We spent the past two weeks talking about the events and influences that shaped what I call "The Great Eight". My Influence...